Filling in for Grandpa

Hello Humans:

My name is Mozzie and I am the grand cat of your pastor. My official title is Grand Exalted Executive Officer of the Purdy Household. While grandpa is taking a nap, I am writing his weekly newsletter for him.

Grandpa and I have a standard operating procedure for mornings. At 0 dark hundred hours I jump on his face to let him know it’s time to get up. He likes to put on a pot of coffee and drink it while doing what he calls “a devotion.” He doesn’t seem to understand that I should be his priority.

Cats require a certain amount of attention in the morning. We need to sit on someone’s chest and purr. We need to butt heads with people, get our neck scratched, and draw blood at least once a week. It’s all spelled out in The Official Cat Owners Handbook (2023 edition).

This morning, Grandpa was trying to do his devotion and was ignoring me. (I suspect he has never read the handbook.) So, it was my responsibility to interrupt him with every opportunity. I licked his hand, pushed his Bible away, dug my claws into his chest, and said, “Meow” about 50 million times.

Cats have a built-in mind control mechanism that come in handy in cases like this one. I explained to grandpa that cats are very devotional in and of themselves. When we activate our cuteness aura, we exude a force field that is conducive to lowering blood pressure, relaxing one’s mind, and putting one in a meditative mindset.

You see, there are many ways to do a devotion. You can pray, read the Bible, be still and listen, and in some cases just spend time listening to your cat. Once I prepared grandpa for a mind-bending religious experience, I knocked over his coffee cup, pounced on his stomach and went downstairs for the day. Grandpa says he’s willing to rent me out to anyone that needs help devoting. All you need is some coffee to spill, a hand to scratch, and some catnip.